I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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