I'm lost and stupid without you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
