Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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