I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
