At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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