Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
