why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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