this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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