I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
