Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
