just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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