I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
