They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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