Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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