if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
