I just cut my nipple shaving
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
