i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
