i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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