last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
