Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
