Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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