i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
