I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
