but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
