I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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