I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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