So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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