never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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