I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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