Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
