Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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