I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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