I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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