I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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