Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
