I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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