My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
