He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
