well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
