I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
