I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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