my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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