I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
