I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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