I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
