coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
