it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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