she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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