I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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