I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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