just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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